Newsletter Archive - NLP: The Power of Psychology In Influencing and Communication

NLP: The Power of Psychology in Influencing and Communicating

Ross Maynard © Ideas into Action 2005

How do you feel right now ?. Think of everything you have achieved recently; the progress you have made on projects; the people you have helped and supported; the fun you have had at work or at home. It feels good, doesn’t it ?. You know how it feels when you’re on top of the world !. And the energy you get from feeling positive about yourself feeds through into your performance.

Our attitude affects our performance - we all know that. It’s a crucial element of sports coaching and it is just as important in business too. And that is the aim of NLP. Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) is a powerful psychological approach that models excellent behaviours at the conscious and unconscious levels in order to help us, and those we interact with, achieve success in our goals and move forward in our work and personal lives. Focussing on key behavioural skills including influencing and communicating, NLP can be used very effectively in business, and in life, because it allows us to develop the crucial behaviours, communication techniques (verbal and non-verbal), and mindsets that deliver success.

The wonderful concept behind NLP is that you are in charge of your mind and, therefore, your results. NLP uses the language of the mind to consistently achieve our specific and desired outcomes.

‘Neuro’ refers to the mind and how we organise our mental life. ‘Linguistic’ is about language; how we use it, and how it affects us. ‘Programming’ is about our sequences of repetitive behaviours and how we act with purpose. So NLP is about connection - the connection between our thoughts, speech, actions and the effects these have on others.

NLP is the study of the structure of our subjective experience - how do we do what we do ?; how do we think ?; how do we learn ?; how do we get angry ?; and how do outstanding people in their field get their results ? To answer these questions NLP explores how we think and feel, and ‘models’ experience in every walk of life. The answers can then be taught to others. The goal is excellence for all, and NLP provides models of excellent performance and the tools to help ourselves and others perform outstandingly.

NLP covers a huge array of tools and techniques that help deliver excellence. We cannot cover them all in this article, but we can make a start on the physiology and psychology of success, and a good place to begin is the beliefs of excellence.

A number of beliefs of excellence stand at the heart of NLP. Some of the most powerful are as follows:

· Perception is projection. We see only what we want to see, and we use our own beliefs, attitudes and view of the world to interpret the actions and behaviours of others. In fact everyone has a different “model” of the world, and we must respect that, and pay attention to these differences.

· The meaning of communication is the response you get. The onus is on you to get your message across. If you get an unsatisfactory or unexpected response then you need to communicate differently !.

· Everyone does the best they can with the resources they have available. Every behaviour is motivated by some positive intent for the individual (even where there may be negative impacts on others).

· There are no unresourceful people only unresourceful states. Since people do the best they can with the resources available, any negative or problematic behaviour must be motivated by some positive intent for the individual. Your job is to help them access more choices, more skills and more internal resources to allow more appropriate behaviours and outcomes, and, thus, improve their performance and their potential.

· There is no failure only learning. We all encounter problems and set backs. Take the positive learning from these and move on !

These elegant statements of principle are the beliefs that bring excellent results if you hold and practice them every day. Armed with these beliefs we can start to think and talk excellently.

Our brains are bombarded with millions of pieces of information every second through all our senses. We take in everything that goes on around us, but we cannot consciously cope with all that information at once, so our mind acts as a filter, giving our conscious mind what it thinks we need at any particular time. These subconscious filters are built up over our lifetime based on our previous experiences, our attitudes and beliefs, and other ingredients. In effect, they distort, delete and generalise the information that comes into our brain to give us our particular take on the world as we see it – our model of the world. But everybody has different life experiences, so everyone’s model of the world is different. NLP helps us to recognise how our mind is filtering information and, therefore, helps us analyse how other people’s models of the world might be different. NLP increases our sensory awareness of the language other people use, their physiology, and their psychology, to increase our understanding of others and their behaviour (as well as of ourselves).

For example, the words we use, and the way we say them, have a tremendous impact on our psychology. Because of previous associations, some words may contain significant emotional baggage, but even everyday words, overtime, can influence the way we think and feel. With NLP we can start to use language and language structures to influence ourselves and others positively.

In many ways the words we use are a self fulfilling prophecy. If we tell ourselves that something is “true” then we begin to make it true through our attitude, manner and behaviour. For example, if you believe communication with a colleague is poor, you will probably act in a certain way when you meet with them. You may then come across as insincere or untrustworthy. The other person will realise you dislike them, and the effect will be to make communication between you poor.

If we use negative language about others or about change, we are hardly likely to marshal our internal resources to achieve a positive outcome. Instead we become labelled a “cynic” and get only negative feedback in response – further fuelling our negativity. But the truth is that our subconscious loves positive language !. If you constantly and frequently use positive words you will, over time, build a more positive attitude and feelings, and make others more positive about you and your chances of success.

If we say “this project is really difficult and there is a high risk of failure”, we are preparing our mind to fail. Indeed, we are already looking for excuses. If, instead, we say “this project is not easy, and we may not totally succeed”, the positives stay in our mind and we begin to plan to counter the difficulties. We are subconsciously saying that we will do everything possible to succeed. The future becomes altogether brighter and our mood lifts to raise us to the challenge.

Indeed, we can only achieve what we believe we can achieve, so lift up your sights to new horizons, and start striving towards them. Visualise yourself performing at new levels and succeeding. After all the alternative is to keep doing what you’ve always been doing – and get exactly the same results !.

It is not a game; it works !. And as well as helping to condition our mind positively by the use of language, and influence those around us, NLP also provides us with some excellent language models for framing presentations, questioning and exploring issues, and interacting with others. We do not have space to go into all of these here, but one model of questioning (called the Meta Model 3) is very useful in coaching because we can use it to help others open up new avenues of thought and choice without us giving stock solutions, or taking the problem on ourselves.

When next faced with someone presenting a problem or issue they are having difficulty with, try the following framework for your questioning (the order of the questions is important):

1. How do you feel about this situation ?

2. What is the current situation ?. (use techniques to help the individual see the issue from as many angles as possible. For example how do they think others involved see the situation; or what is the purpose of the behaviour that others involved exhibit ?. Remember everyone does the best they can with the resources they have available.)

3. How have you failed to resolve this ?

4. What would you like to see happen ?

5. What will you do to achieve this ?

6. When will you do this ?

Avoid analysing the problem, or offering solutions. You are helping the individual access new ways of thinking about (and, therefore, solving) the problem, not taking it on yourself.

As well as language, we can use posture and other unconscious cues to build relationships and influence others.

Rapport is one of the most widely know parts of NLP. Rapport is based on the principle that “people like people like themselves”. Thus, in meetings and presentations, we should match and mirror the body language of those around us to start to build an unconscious relationship with them. There is no need to copy what others are doing, just to reflect their broad posture and approach.

For example, if your client or colleague is sitting forward taking a discussion very seriously, you should also take it seriously to show you are on their wavelength. If you colleague is sitting back relaxed and open, you should adopt a similar approach. You can also adapt key words and phrases that your client uses and reflect them back to show you think and feel like them.

This is not cynical manipulation, it is relationship building. One of the most powerful techniques is matching the breathing of your colleague. Keep an eye on your colleague’s shoulder rising and falling and match your breathing to the rhythm. It is surprising how strong an unconscious bond this builds (in fact we naturally match the breathing of friends when we are with them).

Where there is more than one person in the meeting or presentation, take a few minutes to match the breathing and posture of each person present. As you build rapport, you will notice everyone moving to similar a posture as a group identity is established.

And linked to rapport is the concept of sensory acuity – being aware of the minute changes in your colleagues’ or clients’ physiology from moment to moment.

There are many aspects of an individual’s physiology that you can monitor and notice change. Some of the most powerful are as follows:

1. Skin Colour. Watch changes from light to dark as you interact.

2. Skin tone. The shine and tone of the skin reflects changes in the tension of the muscles below.

3. Breathing. Monitor changes in breathing rate and position.

4. Lower lip size. Our lower lips involuntarily change size as we experience different emotions.

5. Eye. The focus, position and dilation of the eyes and pupils are all valuable in NLP.

6. Body posture.

The key thing is there is no set meaning for each of these indicators. Some proponents of body language maintain that certain actions or results mean specific things. This is not true - everyone is different. The important thing is to monitor changes in the individual’s physiology. Gauge, for example, the skin colour and tone, breathing, and so on when someone is talking about something they are happy about. Compare this to the results when they are talking about something they dislike. You are then able to make a good judgement about their response to other things that you might talk about – for example, a proposal you are presenting, or their real feelings about a subject you are discussing.

Another technique, very useful in meetings and presentations, is anchoring. Anchoring is the process of conditioned response. We stop automatically at a red traffic light, without thinking. That is an anchor. Indeed, a great deal of our behaviour is governed by anchors including how we respond (automatically and unthinking) to the behaviour of others. We need to make sure that the anchors we create in others are positive.

For example, we can use anchors in meetings and presentations to link internal states with key points we are making. For example, when talking about weaknesses or areas of poor performance adopt a specific posture, or stand in one area. When talking about positive performance and outcomes adopt a different posture and stand in another spot. Finally, when concluding the benefits of the changes you propose, adopt the posture and position associated with the positive feelings, subconsciously strengthening your proposal.

NLP offers a wide range of tools and techniques to build your awareness and understanding of the behaviour and feelings of others. We can only scratch the surface here, but it is a start. Now you know that your unconscious mind has taken in everything that this article has covered. You may not remember everything right now, but your mind will digest and organise it for you so that you can start to practice the concepts and ideas from now on.

And as you practice, keep in the front of your mind, the principles of excellence; particularly, that everyone does the best they can with the resources they have available, and that the meaning of communication is the response you get. Start to work for the response you want, right now.

You control your mind and, therefore, your results. Use the power of NLP to allow yourself to learn more easily, communicate more elegantly and understand more fully. See yourself doing it.

If you believe it, it will happen. How do you feel right now ?.

Ross Maynard FCMA,

www.ideas2action.co.uk

e-mail ross@ideas2action.co.uk